Dopamine Detours
True closeness in our modern era isn't about geographical proximity; it's about the depth of emotional commitment. It's time for introspection: closeness is measured in emotional ties, not miles.
Often ‘distance’ is less physical than it is emotional
However true it is to say, “God, it’s hard to be there for a person when you’re not physically there,” Sometimes that very real feeling becomes sort of a crutch.
In the modern world of distributed work, friendships, long distance relationships (even marriages) the above is a safe exit. It allows us to move on with no fault and no foul. And, to be honest, it’s infinitely understandable.
But if building that empathy muscle is on our to-do list —if we’ve made a commitment to ourselves that we wanna be the type of person who shows up for them. Then not doing it was kinda never about ‘the difficulty of the situation’ but was more about us brining into the light that we underestimated what it would require of us. And in finding ourselves unequipped, we knew ourselves to be unwilling or unable to offer what that commitment required.
Again, to the avoidants out there — to those for whom that statement is a comfort rather than a momentary bruise — there isn’t much the below text can offer you.
My apologies.
But to those who still have a want, here’s a beautiful thing about being in the deep end and out over your skis. Even when you’re a million miles away:
Moments of difficulty are really opportunities to bond in disguise.
Anyone who’s lost a partner knows this truth all too well. In the depths of grief and separation, that's the time to enact the bonds of friendship. The ephemera of good times is sweet, it puts a patina and halo over folks we'll always remember fondly. People who may love us without being able to name one thing that matters to us, except for our favorite club, or drive, or type of man. Like a quick carb treat taken off the counter at work, those sweet little treats are very captivating but lack any nutritional value that last beyond 2 o'clock. But we're wired to love it.
In today's digital age, there's an incessant, almost addictive drumbeat of dopamine hits we chase — be it through our smartphones, people, whirlwind relationships, back-to-back achievements, or the thrill of the next adventure or trip. This relentless pursuit often dampens the reality of the memories we're stuffing in our nap-sack. After the years of the whirlwind, we realize how quickly those things we chased deteriorate in the light of real life. As long as we kept upping the intensity of the thrill, the deep realization of how we might be shortchanging ourselves or others never has a chance to rest on our shoulders.
We can can dance in fits and starts to this tune, we can be in this perpetual state of uncritical reactivity until we hit fifty. Or, we can preemptively confront this realization, and begin the longer work of laying down markers for the relationships we want to preserve and nurture over the next two decades. We just have to hope that all that chasing and who we chased away in the process didn't rob us of that opportunity.
The good news. If you've read this far all the way down at this little corner of the internet it means there's some part of you that is present, and perhaps ready to see with new eyes ways you could re-prioritize emotional closeness rather than whoever the universe sees fit to plop in front of you. All of this begins with acknowledging that community means something different in our digital era. Covid taught us that. Intimacy isn't merely proximity, it's emotional proximity. Who have we stopped long enough to be known by and to invest in? In a stark departure from the effortless connections of our college days or urban living, when you stop having connections of forced convenience you realize, I have to know myself a bit better to even know who I might want to build a tribe with. Ask anyone who's relocated to the suburbs post-parenthood.
Closeness today is gauged not by geographical proximity but by the depth of emotional commitment. When you're not bumping into Jayden or Tim at work, or at the Trader Joe's, you've gotta actually think about who is it that you want to be around. In this age of endless distractions and shallow engagements, maybe it's time for some introspection. Maybe we should start measuring closeness in disclosure and calls rather than kilometers and miles.
Food for thought. - VB.
